So I was riding home on the train the other day, glancing around, covertly trying to scope out the scene when I spotted this quiet, quaint, mid 20s Asian girl. She sat there in complete silence and stillness and my mind wandered off into Nictopia wondering," where is she from? Why can't I tell the difference between Asian countries and their native people? Does she speak English? Is she really sad or does she just naturally look sad? Why am I so dumb and stereotyping people?" All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she whipped out her uber high tech cell phone (stereotyping again, Im sure it was just a blackberry )and started taking pictures of herself. But I mean like sexy 'stare at the camera with that 'deer in the headlights' type of look. I was flabbergasted that I had thought that was the last thing shed all of a sudden do but I was even more surprised that she had the audacity to do that right there, on the 7 train amongst its 37 passengers.
I think the only appropriate times to take phone pics of yourself is either (a.) In the back of a cab,intoxicated(b.) At a club with some random person you think deserves to be in your phone pic cause that's how random seeing them is, intoxicated or (c.) In the privacy of your home, sober or intoxicated.
People in NY have more audacity than anyone I know. They sing down the streets, dance while they're standing in line, and blatantly take sexy phone pics in the dead silence of the 7 train. I think they are the few people who live by the cliche "sing like no one can hear you and dance like no one is watching.
Me, I don't even bother singing and I definitely dance like 'all eyez on me'. I don't even hum out loud cause I'm shy, embarrassed, awkward. I don't know why. I can be either extremely outgoing and non-shy but at simple things like that, Ill hide in a corner hoping I go unnoticed. Maybe I'm insecure? I mean it takes a really confident person to just not care what others are thinking and while I may think I'm confident, why do I lower the volume on my ipod enough to check if my humming or singing is audible?
Other things that make me question myself are simple daily events like bumping into someone by mistake. Even when people bump into me by mistake, I'm already apologizing, looking down, and running away. How weird is that? Its something I constantly wonder about. I mean I'm not saying I'm casually bumping into people all day but those times that its happened, Ive always been the one to apologize. Screw you jerk, you bumped into ME! Stand up for yourself, Nicole! Well, this may be a lil one sided because I have elbowed people out of my way on my way to the bathroom at a club. But those sober days down the streets are the ones that really get to me.
Another thing I do, if I see that the train is about to leave, and I'm about 10 steps away, I wont run and try to get in it like most people do. You know why? Because I think I'm going to trip, fall, or just not get let in and then everyone (those random 5 people in the train ill never see again) are going to think I'm a loser and laugh at me. How insecure is that?! Now THAT, that really annoys me because it would save much time if I were one of those "runners."
I seem to have this constant fear that I am going to trip or fall in front of a large group of people. In Miami it was really bad. Like you could hardly pay me to walk across a traffic light on the Beach because of that little fear. Ive gotten way better, I don't even notice the other cars at all anymore. Sometimes, though, I walk like a "geisha". I take itty bitty Japanese steps depending on what shoes I'm wearing so that I don't fall.
I think we all have the right to trip, fall, dance, sing, take pictures of ourselves, whenever and however we want. Im writing this post as a reassurance to myself that no longer will I hide in a corner and wish I could hum along to Beyonce while I'm on the train. I'M gonna sing out loud, gosh darn it!! And you know what? If at any point I am feeling sexy enough and Dow-eyed enough on the 7 train, on my way home, after a long day at work, I WILL take pictures of myself and send them to all you ... you wait and see..
As for now, I'm off to walk to central park, I may even wear heels and walk really fast in front of the streets lined with 32095 cars waiting to judge me. jk.
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