Daddy's Girl

I lost my dad on February 9th, 2006. He had been sick with heart problems and emphysema for awhile so the call
I receieved that day was one that was expected but still something I wasnt ready for. If it wasnt for Coldplay's "A Rush of Blood to the Head" album, I think I might of lost my mind. Their music was my constant companion for an entire month straight, and even though there wasnt much significance to their lyrics, the melancholic rhythm and voices were enough to give me the calming effect that was necessary at that time. That day, I texted everyone saying what had happened and to please not try to reach out to me until I was ready to speak to them. Im not the type of person that will go and cry on a shoulder or hug someone when Im sad, I tend to keep things inside and to myself so it was a really strange experience for me and one that I chose to go through alone. I stayed in my room for an entire week and didnt even email my teachers that I wouldnt be going to class. It was irresponsible but i just couldnt do anything that required thought or reason.

Losing a parent is a strange feeling, especially when your 20 years old and didnt expect it to happen for a long time. We spend all our young lives trying to push those thoughts out of our mind and then all of a sudden, boom, its right there and you have to face it when you just wanna crawl into a corner and hide out for awhile. I was about to turn 21, my boyfriend of 4 years and I had just broken up, and now I had to go back to Kentucky, where I had visited my sick father two weeks prior and relive it all. I wish I could say it instantly made me a stronger person but it didnt. My grades dropped, my relationships dwindled, and I had a fear of loving or feeling because I thought "whatever this sucks cuz its all eventually going to end so why even care now".

It took me an entire year to finally speak about it and I realized it was the worst mistake I made. Instead of dealing with it then, I bottled it up and let it all explode at once. Thank God, I had chantel, there with me on the bathroom floor crying an exact year later on the anniversary of my dad's death. My mother and family were there for me too but being the
Colombian hardcore women she is, she basically said to woman up. I didnt want to though. I wanted to feel and cry and talk and experience it all, so I could live it, learn from it, and move on.

Im not saying you move on from losing your dad, but you take whatever positive experiences you can from it and learn from anything that was negative. The only negativity I had to deal with was that I didnt take advantage of enough moments with him and I kinda always expected him to be there. At this point he was living in Kentucky and I was in FSU, focused on myself as the selfish 20 yr olds we all usually are. Kentucky was 'boring' but I was planning on eventually going. Nope, the next time I went was to say goodbye. My last memory of my dad was showing him pictures from my Italy trip. I remember he tried so hard to not cough while I sat next to him on the bed and it killed me inside. I knew he didnt want me to see him in this condition because he was my heroic father so at times I would lie and say I had to go get something so he could cough, nap, and feel as sick as he really was.

My brother, sister, and I returned for the funeral and I had my Coldplay blasting in my ear, during the plane, during the long drive to barbersville, and everytime in between. He was burried in Barbersville next to my grandma and papa and in the same town that is the original birthplace of kentucky fried chicken (dont be jealous of my ancestory, juts dont.). This experience did bring me and my brother and sister closer, they were living in California at the time so we promised we would make it a point to visit more often.

My fathers memory lives on in each of us. My brother, Tim, is his spitting image. Hes into computers, the newspaper, and being 'wise' just like daddy. My gorgeous sister Trista is a reknown wedding photographer in Orange County, my dad spent 90% of his life behind a lens capturing images from around the world, he is definitely looking down and so proud of her many accomplishments. My mom says I remind her of him so much. My quiet demeanor and love for all things international, as well as my work with charity. The best christmas's of my life were spent in Honduras, where my dad was based for work. He would organize toy and candy drives for all the towns children. It didnt cure poverty, but it did put a smile on the face of children that have spent most of their lives just trying to survive.

Its a cliche phrase but I really do feel my dads presense all around me. He is my guardian angel; there have been several instances that ive been driving and not noticing and all of a sudden a force comes that stops my car right at the perfect moment. Hes made me learn to appreciate life, to not put anyone or anything on the backburner, nothing is promised. The only thing that is written in stone is that we will all eventually die, the rest is left up to us.You can make the best of it, or make the worst of it. What do you choose to do?

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there, especially my step dad, sergio. Since hes been my step dad since I was 6 years old there has never really been a disconnect. He thinks of me as his birth daughter, and even though I have a different birth father, its all the same. Its the ones who raise you and love you and are there for you unconditionally. Actually the only time I used the stereotypical " your not my father!!" phrase was when he insisted on dropping me off directly infront of Knights of Columbus instead of at the corner, where all the cool kids are dropped. Aside from that, I love him more than words and am so thankful my mother was able to meet him and have my beautiful lil sisters. Every family is different, none of them are perfect. They are the ones who have seen you through the worst of the worst and would never judge, never shun, and never turn their back on you.

And for all of my fellow daddy's girls out there who have lost their dad too many years too soon, I hope you too have come to learn that heaven doesnt really seem so far anymore..