I think I am going to blog every Monday or Tuesday. Only once a week. For sure I can think of something to write once a week?! If not, that should be a testament that maybe I should be living life differently if I can't come up with a little story or two, sheesh!
I leave on my two week bi-coastal tour on Wednesday! Im flying MIA-LGA for one week then LGA-LAX for another week. My boss is the greatest human ever who gives us a two week vacation in the summer plus we get two weeks in December. I didn't know where to go or what to do for two weeks, considering no one else I know can take off for two weeks with me. So, I decided I'd visit friends and family in two of America's most hectic and vibrant cities.
Going to see my noblest nobbe in New York and then in LA I'll see my Brother and Sister, Tim and Trista , and my dearest wrikey, Cyrina.
This two week vacay is going to be the ironic grand finale to my 3 month hiatus. Ive done absolutely nothing for the past 3 months and LOVED it. a little too much. My introvert-hermit tendencies have really shown through, and although I relish in solitude and independence, i know im still too young to be like this. So, I'm forcing myself back "out" into the scene and oh what a scene NY and LA shall be.
For awhile I became dependant on the social life, and on people. I was dating people without taking a break for myself and had lost myself having always had my mind on others. I like to think of myself as a disciplined person and had lost some of my self-control the past couple of years. Not that three months is a life altering amount of time to "find oneself" but you can definitely put a lot of things into perspective when you don't go out, don't have cable, and only somtimes have internet (if and only NETGEAR is around.)
I think the issue with a lot of people is that they don't want to feel what they feel.
If they are sad or down they want to be so distracted. No! if you're sad, then be sad! If you're happy, feel happy.
Feel what you feel.
Nothing is ever on a constant high or low. I just read in my 50 Life Lessons book that "No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will always change". and its so true.
When my grandparent's passed away, I retreated even more into myself. I felt bad that I was doing it because you always hear how you should "Get out, distract your mind, have fun, dont be sad!"
So i tried. and whenever I did and "had a great time"...id come crashing down from this mini-high into the lowest low. Why? Because i wasn't feeling what I felt at the moment. I was feeling happy when in reality I wasn't. We are taught that feeling sad or down or low is a sin, and that we should "make the best out of everything".....but that's bullshit.
When i finally shut out the world and basically holed myself up in a room, cried myself to sleep for a few nights...i felt better. I understood that it was okay, normal, "human," to be sad and depressed sometimes. The only thing I know for certain also turns out to be one of the biggest cliches: time heals everything.
you just have to give time, time.
In such an on-demand, high speed society, we want all this instant satisfaction. And that's just not the case when it comes to the human experience or emotion.
If more people gave time, time...and felt what they were feeling and dealt with it and were okay with it, i genuinely think things would be a little better.
We wouldn't act out on aggression or anguish. We wouldn't have all this rage that leads people to kill innocent children because they have different political beliefs or leads people to drive people off the road from the road rage they are experiencing.
It can even so simple as to say that maybe some people wouldn't stay in such bad relationships if they were okay with the fact that yes, you will be sad and mad and depressed and angry....but guess what? You will get over it. And, as with everything, you will look back on that and laugh.
There was a point in my freshman year of high school that my boyfriend and I broke and my parents let me stay home from school because I was crying so much! Like I mean, hysterical. I really love looking back at that and laughing so hard....because at that time, I thought that life was over. That single experience has led me to look at everything in that way. In 5 years from now, we will laugh at (almost) everything. What a beautiful thing that is?
I thank my mom for really engraving that in my mind. She raised me telling me of all the same stories id tell her in horror and how she felt the same things i felt and now laughs at it all. Its such a reassuring fact in life. She's always the first person to tell me "ofcourse!" whenever I tell her a feeling im feeling.
"ofcourse you're angry, be angry! and then, get over it"
"ofcourse you're sad, that's normal! why wouldn't you be sad? In fact, it would be weird and really sad if you weren't sad"
Thank you, mom.
So i leave you with that, feel what you feel. Don't be scared or ashamed of your feelings, and DONT try to distract yourself because at some point it will hit you like a ton of bricks and itll be even worse.
Often, things are blessings in disguise. You just have to be aware and on the look out for the lessons behind everything.
I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903; in Letters to a Young Poet
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